Hey everyone, welcome back. So today we're diving into well captivate Yeah, captivate the science of succeeding with people by Vanessa van Edwards So, you know, it's all about like psychology and how to like connect with people better whether that's for you know Just your own personal life or if you're thinking about it from like a business perspective, right? It was published in 2017. Okay, and it's actually like Super popular is it? Yeah, like it's got a four point one two rating on Goodreads from over 7,000 reviews.
Well, okay, that's you know, a lot of people who have Read it and like really connected with it. Yeah sounds like it So I guess our mission today is to like really unpack some of the key ideas and captivate and see how they can You know, maybe help you guys in your own Interactions don't good. One of the first things that caught my eye was this whole concept of thrive and survive social locations Oh, yeah, that's an interesting one, right? It is.
So Have you ever thought about like where you actually feel like energized and comfortable in social situations? You know, I hadn't really thought about it in those terms before but yeah, definitely yeah, so that would be like your thrive zone and then like on the flip side you've got the survive zones where you're just like I'd rather be anywhere else. Yeah, I can relate to that totally and you know The book kind of challenges you to really pay attention to those To those different zones and try to steer yourself towards the ones where you like genuinely thrive So it's kind of about being more mindful of where you're gonna get the most out of a social situation Exact instead of just you know showing up and hoping for the best yeah, exactly and then you know, once you're actually at an event Van Edwards provides this like framework for Thinking about the physical space. Okay, like where you actually position yourself interesting.
So there's the start zone dark zone This is where people are like just arriving maybe feeling a bit hesitant You know not quite sure where to go or who to talk to right right then you've got the social zone Okay, the social zone. This is usually like the heart of the action, you know, I see often around the food or drinks Yeah, that makes sense. And then there's the side zone side zone those quieter more isolated areas.
Okay, so like what's the strategy here? Which zone should we be aiming for? Well? According to Van Edwards you want to try to hit those sweet spots within the social zone Okay, you know the places where people naturally gravitate So maybe it's near the bar or like if there's a speaker, maybe it's closer to the stage I get it. And the idea is that by positioning yourself in these higher traffic areas You're just like way more likely to bump into people. Yeah, you're increasing your chances of like Striking up a conversation exactly.
Okay, so you've got the location sorted now. How do you actually approach someone? Right, so that brings us to the triple threat a triple threat Yeah, so this is all about those first few seconds of an interaction and the nonverbal cues that you're sending out Okay, interesting. The first element is visible hands visible hands Yeah, so like making sure your hands are you know, not hidden in your pockets or behind your back? Okay, so like why is that so important? Well Van Edwards argues that it all boils down to trust Mm-hmm, like from an evolutionary standpoint Concealed hands could you know signal a threat? Yeah, I see that so by keeping them visible.
You're kind of like Subconsciously reassuring the other person that you're you know open and approachable. It's like a nonverbal way of saying. Hey, I'm not hiding anything Right, exactly.
Okay, that makes sense What's the second part of the triple threat the second element is posture posture Specifically what she calls the launch stance the launch stance. Yeah shoulders back chin up. Okay, okay It might sound like a little bit cliche, you know, like something your parents would tell you yeah stand up straight, you know Exactly, but it actually has a huge impact on how we're perceived Yeah, like studies have shown that when you stand tall you not only appear more confident to others Mm-hmm, but it can actually boost your own internal confidence as well.
Interesting It's almost like, you know faking it till you make it but with your body language totally so we've got visible hands We've got the launch stance. What's the third element eye contact eye contact and not just any eye contact She recommends aiming for that 60 to 70 percent range 60 to 70 percent. What's so special about that specific percentage? Well, it's all about finding that sweet spot between engagement and like not freaking the other person out, right? Right, you don't want to stare them down exactly Yeah, too little eye contact and you might come across as you know disinterested or even like untrustworthy But too much and it can feel like really intense and uncomfortable Yeah, so that 60 to 70 percent range is that perfect balance of showing that you're you know Listening and engaged but not like staring into their soul.
Okay. Got it. So you've made a good first impression with your body language What's next? How do you actually start a conversation that goes beyond, you know the usual small talk So this is where Van Edwards introduces the idea of a story stack story stack Yeah, it's basically like a mental list of engaging conversation starters that you can pull out whenever you need them Okay, so like what kind of questions should we have in our story stack? Well, she suggests moving away from those like generic questions Like how are you or what do you do? Right and instead like aiming for something more open-ended and thought-provoking Makes sense.
So for example, you could ask what was the most interesting thing you learned recently? Ooh, I like that right or are you working on any projects? You're particularly excited about that's a good one, too Or even like what's a passion project you're currently exploring. Yeah, those are all great They really invite the other person to share something more personal and engaging Exactly it's about going beyond the surface level and sparking a real conversation makes sense Yeah, and she also talks about creating conversational highs. Yes.
What does she mean by that? So conversational highs are those moments in a conversation where there's just like this burst of energy and connection Okay, so how do you create those? Well, it can involve a few different things like asking unexpected questions Mm-hmm, you know things that pique the other person's curiosity Or like sharing unique pieces of information that they might not have heard before Oh, so it's about being a little bit surprising. Yeah, exactly and using vivid language You know really painting a picture with your words, right, right and then there's this technique she calls boomerangs boomerangs Yeah So this is where you basically listen to what someone's saying and then you respond in a way that kind of loops the conversation Back to them. Oh, so like if someone mentions they love to travel you might ask them about their most memorable trip Exactly.
It shows that you're listening and engaged and it keeps conversation flowing makes sense Now, how do you make yourself more memorable? Well, then Edwards talks a lot about the power of highlighting other people's strengths Oh interesting, and she links this to a psychological principle called the Pygmalion effect a Pygmalion effect Yeah, so this is the idea that our Expectations of others can actually influence their behavior and performance. So if you believe in someone's potential They're more likely to live up to it. Exactly interesting So in a social setting it means that if you genuinely believe in someone's strengths and you like express that belief You can actually help them bring out those qualities even more.
Okay, so it's about being a cheerleader for other people Yeah in a way and she calls this active highlighting actor highlighting So like what does that look like in practice? It can involve a few different things like offering sincere compliments, you know specific things You've noticed and appreciated about them introducing them to others with enthusiasm like almost giving them a little rave review Yeah, celebrating their successes even the small ones and then maybe surprisingly Asking for their advice or expertise in areas where they clearly excel Okay, so it's about making them feel valued and recognized for their strengths Exactly, and it really does make a difference in how people perceive you and remember you make sense Now finding common ground is also key to connecting with others. Mm-hmm But Edwards talks about the similarity attraction effect, right? This is like psychology one-on-one We tend to be drawn to people who are similar to us exactly and she introduces this thing called thread theory That's a way to like actually find those commonalities, so what's the thread theory all about? It's basically about being a good listener and paying attention to those little threads of shared interests Experiences or even like mutual connections that come up in conversation Okay So like if someone mentions they love hiking and you're also a hiker that's a thread Exactly. Mm-hmm And once you've identified a thread the next step is to like pull on it a bit Ask follow-up questions delve a little deeper into that shared interest, right? And then you can even create ties by offering help or sharing resources related to that thread Oh, I like that like in the hiking example you could mention a trail you really enjoyed or a website with great hiking gear right right and Something she cautions against is The not me trap the not me.
This is that tendency we have to immediately point out differences Oh, I know what you mean, like oh you love hiking. I'm more of a beach person myself Instead she encourages responding with me too Yeah, when you find a similarity and teach me when you encounter a difference, that's a good tip It shows curiosity and a willingness to learn from the other person's perspective. Yeah, it keeps the conversation more positive and open exactly So we've talked about body language conversation starters finding common ground But what about those times when you're not quite sure what someone's really feeling that could be tricky then Edwards dives into this fascinating area of micro expressions like what course brush yeah, those tiny involuntary facial expressions that can reveal a person's true emotions and like a fraction of a second Wow, so these are like Super subtle cues super subtle like they flash across someone's face in less than a second and they can tell you what someone's really feeling Even if they're trying to hide it exactly.
It's like a little window into their subconscious. So, how do you even spot these micro expressions? Well, dr. Paul Ekman identified seven universal micro expressions.
Okay anger contempt disgust fear Happiness sadness and surprise. So each of those emotions has a specific micro expression Yeah, and the book actually goes into detail about the different facial cues to look for with each emotion Like for example anger might manifest as a tightening of the lips and a lowering of the eyebrows while genuine happiness often involves like a Raising of the cheeks and crow's feet around the eyes. I see contempt is often a slight raising of just one side of the mouth Okay, so it's about paying attention to those really subtle movements exactly And once you start to recognize these micro expressions, it can really give you a deeper understanding of what's going on beneath the surface, right? So you can respond more appropriately exactly like if you see anger, it might signal that there's an underlying issue that needs to be addressed Mm-hmm contempt could indicate a lack of respect fear might suggest they need reassurance exactly and Sadness might prompt you to offer support Okay, so it's not just about Reading people it's about using that information to connect with them on a more empathetic level Yeah, absolutely now beyond those fleeting emotions captivate also explores how to get a sense of someone's overall personality Oh, right using the big five personality trait the big five.
Yeah, remind me what those are again, so it's openness conscientiousness Extroversion agreeableness and neuroticism. Oh, right, right ocean ocean exactly and the book actually provides some behavioral Clues to look for to kind of gauge where someone might fall on each of these scales Okay, so like what should we be looking for? So for openness, you know someone high and openness might talk about a wide range of interests or enjoy discussing abstract ideas Okay, someone high in conscientiousness tends to be very punctual organized and focused on tasks Got it. If someone's super outgoing enjoys being the center of attention and easily strikes up conversations They're probably high in extroversion make sense Then you've got agreeableness which is reflected in people who are considerate avoid conflict and express empathy and finally Neuroticism which can manifest as you know, worry anxiety or emotional sensitivity Okay, so it's about observing their behavior and communication style exactly And once you have a better understanding of their personality, you can then adapt your communication style accordingly, right? So you're more likely to connect with them exactly Now speaking of connecting the book also dives into the five appreciation languages.
Oh, yeah I've heard of those So this is the idea that everyone has a preferred way of receiving appreciation, right? And these languages are words of affirmation acts of service receiving gifts quality time and physical touch Okay, so it's about recognizing that What might feel like appreciation to one person could totally miss the mark for someone else Yeah, exactly and the book gives some tips on how to figure out someone's primary appreciation language like what? Well, one way is to pay attention to how they express appreciation towards others Oh, that's interesting people often give appreciation in the way they like to receive it, right? Right, and you can also just ask them directly, you know in a tactful way Okay, so like hey what makes you feel really appreciated exactly and once you know their language You can then make a conscious effort to express your appreciation in that specific way So it's about being more intentional with your appreciation. Yeah, and it makes a huge difference in strengthening your relationships make sense now Another important aspect of connecting with people is understanding their values Oh, right and Van Edwards identifies six primary values that tend to drive people's motivation. Okay, what are they love? service status money goods and Information so these are like the the things that people really care about Exactly, and the book suggests some ways to figure out what someone's primary values might be without you know Having to ask them outright how so well she suggests paying attention to their complaints Oh interesting what frustrates them often reveals what they prioritize.
Yeah, that makes sense Similarly listen to their brags What they boast about often highlights what they value right and you can also pay attention to their nonverbal cues like their enthusiasm or lack Thereof when certain topics come up I see and just observing their overall behavior and priorities It's about being a bit of a detective kind of yeah And once you have a better sense of their values you can then use that Understanding to connect with them on a deeper level and even to motivate them more effectively Exactly now as we're wrapping up. I wanted to touch on a couple more things that I found really fascinating Okay, Van Edwards talks about the power of storytelling. Oh, yeah Storytelling and she also emphasizes the importance of vulnerability Vulnerability that seems kind of counterintuitive.
I know right, but she makes a really compelling case for it So, how does storytelling and vulnerability help you connect with people? Well with storytelling It's about crafting narratives that have a hook a relatable struggle and vivid language Okay, so you're drawing people in with a good story exactly and with vulnerability It's about you know, sharing your struggles admitting when you don't know something or asking for advice. It's about showing your human side Yeah And she actually talks about the Franklin effect which suggests that asking someone for a small favor can actually increase their liking for you Wow, that's interesting. So vulnerability can actually make you more likable exactly It makes you seem more approachable and relatable okay, I can see that and finally the book touches on empowering others to lead and Navigating interactions with difficult people.
Oh, those are both important topics for sure When it comes to empowering others Van Edwards stresses the importance of communicating the why? behind tasks and Connecting those tasks to a larger shared goal. So people feel like they're part of something bigger Exactly and she also talks about delegating Responsibilities based on people's talents and giving them the freedom to do things their way that makes sense It gives people ownership over their work, right? Now when it comes to difficult people the book suggests that their behavior often stems from underlying fear or insecurity Yeah, that's interesting perspective. Yeah, and she introduces this technique called the NNUT Job technique NUT Job technique.
Yeah, it stands for name the emotion understand the fear and transform the situation Okay, so it's about addressing the root cause of the behavior Exactly, and she also emphasizes the importance of setting clue boundaries with toxic individuals, right? you can't let them walk all over you exactly and Prioritizing self-care to protect your own well-being. So it's about taking care of yourself While also trying to understand where the other person is coming from yeah finding that balance overall Captivate is a really insightful and practical guide to improving our social skills It definitely gives you a lot to think about right? Vanessa Van Edwards with her background in human behavior and as the founder of science of people has really created a valuable resource Yeah, and it's popularity and translation into so many languages really speaks to its appeal. Definitely It makes you wonder like what are some of the things we could be doing differently in our own interactions, right? Like maybe we could pay more attention to our body language or maybe we could be more intentional about expressing appreciation Or maybe we could try using some of those conversation starters to have more meaningful conversations Exactly.
There's so much we can learn from this book and it's a good reminder that understanding human connection is an ongoing process Yeah, it's a journey not a destination. Well said well that brings us to the end of our exploration of Captivate if you found these insights helpful, we'd love it. If you'd subscribe to our show and leave us a five-star review Thanks for joining us.
Yeah. Thanks for listening
